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Appreciation and Gratitude

Warning: this post is entirely a musing.

I have become complacent once again. In the past, I would have instinctively been disappointed in myself and strive for more. Today, I wonder - what for? What is more exactly?

Am I chasing a pipe dream?

In the past few months, I have had to come to terms with myself about exactly who I am and what my expectations are in life. Hoho, very type-A and methodical of me.

I have always chased after the notion of 100% productivity. That was one of my first understandings of how the world of adulthood functioned, and I thought it was straightforward enough.

And then I had a few thought-provoking texts of which, one in particular, stands out.

Le Petit Prince

for he had reminded me of the folly of adult behaviour. Why are we so often occupied with drabble and meaninglessness for the sake of being busy? Why is that even important?

I realised that I had filled my days full of nonsensical tasks just to breathe a sigh of relief at the end of the day that I had not been unproductive and that I had done something. That I had not wasted my life.

… … … but maybe I did? What is the point of doing something if there is no long term goal and there’s no meaning to it? I speak not of perceived meaning but actual, objective meaning. Alas, I fear there are certain actions and consequences we may never understand until we meet with our maker.

Until then, I have continued to keep myself in tension by striving not to waste my time. At the end of the day, empires, wealth, power - all come from the passage of time. And just as well, all are destroyed by it as well.

Maybe I need not work so hard. Maybe I just need to do the right things I am to be called to do.

Again, maybe this is all another pipe dream?

I just have to be grateful for where I am today and keep my head up and go forward.